"Enjoy every moment."
I cringe every time I hear someone say that to a new or expecting parent. No really, think about how detrimental that one phrase can be. I know everyone means well when they say it. Or they don’t remember what it was really like to be a new parent. Or they just don’t know what else to say.
And I’ll admit that I’ve forgotten so many of the struggles of being a new parent, and it’s not even far behind me. But when I think hard, I can feel what it was like being a first time mom trying to get my baby to sleep, trying to figure out how to manage pumping, trying to follow every rule that everyone in history has ever made about being a good mom. And with my second… trying to help him finally poop, trying to figure out how to help his reflux, running him to doctors appointments and specialist appointments, trying to figure out how to manage a day with a newborn and a young toddler who were on completely different schedules all while trying to pump enough milk, do enough laundry, make a good enough dinner. And with my third… walking back and forth at 2am for hours trying to get him to stop crying, feeling like a failure for not protecting him better from getting sick so young, making sure I got enough pictures and videos so he would never feel like he was “the third child with no pictures” all while trying to pump, dealing with severe postpartum depression, and failing at keeping a home running. And let’s not even get into the part where your body has to heal but sometimes things like hemorrhaging or blood clots in your legs happen and you don’t even know how to fix yourself to be there for your baby, because NOBODY talks about those things.
And during all of those times, when I was struggling to make it to the next minute, all I could think about was how guilty I felt for not enjoying every moment. Because if every single person in the world says you should enjoy every moment, then it should be easy to enjoy every moment right?
Let’s start giving better advice to new parents:
“It’s normal to feel unsure and overwhelmed. I’ll be there to help you through it.”
“Sometimes you have to do what it takes to survive and if that means the laundry doesn’t get done then so be it.”
“There are so many amazing moments, and there are so many moments that will be a struggle, but always remember this too shall pass.”
“Not every moment is enjoyable… and that’s ok!”
Mom guilt has taken on a whole new meaning in a time of social media posts flooded with other moms highlighting the most amazing moments of being a parent. But that’s not real life. Real life includes not so great moments too…like sickness, hours of crying, reflux, constipation, lack of sleep, ear infections, teething, stitches, fighting, tantrums, etc.
At the end of the day, I snuggle each of my babies before they go to bed. I love that time because I get to be present with them and reflect on how lucky I am to have them in my life. But some days are a struggle. Even now there are days I count the minutes to bedtime. Because life is hard and parenting is hard. And juggling little ones and a job and a home and a marriage and everything else is not easy.
So let’s make it the new normal to let new parents know that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It’s ok to not enjoy every moment. And it’s ok to need more coffee.